


a light that never goes out.

by orphan_account



Category: TMG - Fandom, Tiny Meat Gang
Genre: Eventual Smut???, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, all cody wants to do is love him, noel is an underground fighter and kind of a piece of shit, probably gonna be like 12 chapters long yikes, this gets real sad so beware
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2020-07-26 01:40:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20035765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Old habits die a lot harder than Noel had ever expected, and Cody’s more than ready to begin the mourning process.Or;Noel quits his job three weeks before rent is due. Refusing to stay trapped in a 9-5 lifestyle, he returns to the world of underground MMA in an attempt to make ends meet. Cody never asked about Noel’s upbringing, and he certainly wasn’t prepared to come face to face with the answers.





	1. the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i anticipate this being 12 or so chapters long so bare with me— i know this one’s kinda lame.

Noel, for the first time in his life, was tired. He woke up at the same time every day, got coffee at the same shop, spent hours at the same desk, and punched out at 5:37 on the dot. Cody had bought him a new office chair for his birthday last year that had animated him for maybe a day, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. Which is why quitting was the only thing on his mind when he stepped foot into Fullscreen on a Tuesday afternoon, unforgivingly late and feverishly determined.  _You got this. You got anything you want, you know that. Relax. _ Noel’s thoughts overpowered Cody’s words— Cody, who was now standing in front of him, his brows raised in amused curiosity. Cody, who had since said a full sentence that Noel completely spaced.

“Woah. What’s up? You’re late, like, insanely late. Did you pop some molly before showing up? What’s with the look?” Cody questions, noticing Noel’s eyes and how they were impossibly frantic. But all the other man does is smile, lips pulling far into his cheeks. There’s a spark to him, one Cody hadn’t seen in awhile. Maybe the molly question wasn’t too far fetched.

“No.” Noel says simply, his grin now showing teeth. “I’m quitting.”

Cody chokes.

“I’m sorry, what?” 

“I’m done.” Noel begins to explain, taking a deep breath and looking over their office. The world they’ve shared for nearly two years. “I’m running on empty here. This life... it’s not for me. It never has been. I just needed something to support all my other shit, but coming here every day sucks the creativity right out of me. I’ve done stand up maybe twice in the last month. It’s killing me, man. Maybe it’s cool for you, but not me. Nah. Not anymore.” 

Cody wants to tell him that it’s not _cool_ for him, wants desperately to grab his shoulders and bring him back to earth. Earth; where you need a steady job to survive. But all he does is shrug and muster up his best smile, locking eyes with Noel with feigned sincerity.

“You don’t give a shit about my opinion, do you?” Cody sighs, and Noel laughs with a slight shake of his head.

“Right now? Not at all.” 

“Alright then. Get it done. I trust you.” 

Noel’s smile shifts at that, from maniac to grateful with a flip of the switch. His switch had always been Cody.

Noel gives him a nod and takes a side-step to pass him, but there’s a hand on his wrist before he makes it any farther.

“As your friend, I trust you. As your coworker, I’ll leave your desk empty.”

“Cody, I promise you I won’t be back. On my life.”

* * *

“Are you sure you’ve cleared your mind enough to make this decision?” 

Noel hates his boss. Noel fully, without a second thought, despises the man for all he stands for. He hates his dumb ass haircut; completely shaved on the sides but long enough to be put in a ponytail up top. It’s a pussy mohawk, and Noel gets mad just looking at it. He hates the way his books are placed on his desk, crooked enough so someone dumber than Noel might believe he’s actually read them. He hates his name. He hates the way Drexler rolls off his tongue so easily, almost like an accident. He hates the way he could become anything he wanted, but he chooses to sit in his stupid little glass office and make everyone around him feel small.

“Imma tell you right now, man— I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. No offense.” Noel says, a slight chuckle that rattling his voice. His eyes fall on the nameplate engraved Dr. Drexler, PhD, and he’s laughing faster than his body can tell him not to. 

“What? What’s so funny?” 

Noel’s laughing harder now, gripping hopelessly at his stomach. He waves his other hand and shakes his head, too breathless to explain himself. The look of confusion on his bosses face is what does it— Noel ultimately deciding he needs to leave before he seriously hurts himself. And so he does, without another word.

* * *

Noel’s rent is due in two weeks and he has $112 to show for it. He’s sat in his living room, head in his hands, completely and totally lost. He’s picked up his phone and tossed it aside three times now, each time dialing a separate number, each time inevitably deciding he didn’t need hand-outs. Noel hated a lot of things, but he hated pity the most. He guesses that’s why he’s been ignoring Cody’s texts. Cody had always worried about Noel, and Noel was always too stubborn to appreciate it. He knows subconsciously that ignoring him won’t help, and honestly he’s surprised the other man hasn’t shown up at his door yet. Noel thinks back to his breakdown last fall— about how Cody came to his apartment the first day he had missed work and stopped by every day after, caramel macchiato in hand and understanding in his eyes. It drove Noel crazy. 

He’d never tell Cody that, though. He knew it would break his heart.

Noel has never had a friend like Cody. Back home there was no such thing as ‘looking out’ for each other, there was only keeping your mouth shut and minding your business, and that’s something Noel desperately wishes he could unlearn. He wanted to care for people the way he knew he was supposed to, but every time he tried to untangle himself from his roots they just pulled him harder. Noel was too tired to try anymore.

He remembers how no one questioned when he’d show up to school with swollen knuckles and new sneakers. _Someone must’ve known,_ he thinks, relaxing himself into the couch. _They knew, they just didn’t give a fuck. Damn, no one gave a fuck that a kid was fighting for—_

Noel sits up quick, his eyes wide. 

_Fighting for money_. 


	2. the rooftop.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry if u were one of the first hundred to read this chapter lollll. ive since edited it into something im actually proud of so if you’ve already read it and you’re seeing this, feel free to go back through!!

Noel doesn’t remember this place being so sketchy. He’s sat in his car, parked across the street from a twelve-story apartment building. He stares up at the rooftop, mapping out railings that don’t exist. The better half of him wants to be nervous, but the blood of his father is pumping through his veins, sending a smile across his sweating face. He’s small, he’s quick, and he’s absolutely fearless. Unsuspecting competition. 

He grabs the bottle of fireball from his glove compartment and takes a long swig. 

It isn’t long before he hears his phone go off in his back pocket and sighs, knowing full well it’s Cody. 

He knows Cody would hate him for this. Every time Noel would talk about the rough edges of his past Cody would soften in a way entirely foreign to Noel. He thinks back to the time he mentioned getting a job at thirteen to help his mom with bills, how Codys eyes got glossy with tears, how he looked away in a desperate attempt to avoid Noel knowing just how much he cared. He thinks about all the times Cody clocked him in early so Drexler wouldn’t be on his ass for being late. He thinks about Cody reminding him to mail out his Mother’s Day gift. He thinks about every time he’s doubted himself and how quick Cody was to reassure him, promising that he was funny and smart and capable of anything. He thinks about how if he was normal, he’d love Cody more than life itself. But Noel was cold, broken and unwavering, and did nothing but silence his phone.

He takes his last steady breath of that night, tucking the bottle into his waistband and climbing out of his Civic, slamming the door in his wake.

_Piece of shit, actual dog shit. Twenty-five years old and driving a starter car. Un-fucking believable. No aux, no goddamn radio... I’m a fucking loser. Fucking stupid desk. Fucking stupid coding. Fucking stupid programming languages. Fucking stupid Drexler with fucking stupid hair. Wasting my whole life away and I’m still broke. Hundred and twelve dollars, one hundred and twelve dollars. Fucking stupid. This ends tonight._

Noel’s too lost in his head to process his surroundings. He wonders, stood now in the complexes elevator, who actually lives here. He has no recollection of seeing any actual residents— in fact, he can’t picture a time where he’s seen any sort of domestic activity there. He’s seen more passed-out bodies carried down the stairs than groceries carried up them. He acknowledges the man beside him and can tell by his posture that he’s there for the same reason. The other man silently pushes the button for the twelfth floor, and Noel nods at him. They don’t once consider speaking to one another.

“You came back for me. I always knew you would.”

Noel ignores the disgust burning in his stomach, closing the staircase doorway and submitting himself to the night air.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Shyheim. Just needed some money.” Noel says calmly, eyes looking everywhere but the man now stood in front of him. It’s been nearly eight years since the two had seen each other. Standing in front of him, though, it feels like just yesterday that Shyheim had scouted him on the streets and promised him new Nike’s in exchange for a small favor.

“And what makes you so sure you’ll get any? You may have forgotten last time...” He begins, glancing over his shoulder at the group of men behind him, all much older than Noel, all stifling laughter. “But we remember. Clear as day.” 

“How could I forget you setting me up?” Noel snaps. There’s a deafening silence, one so intense Noel’s ears begin to ring.

Shyheim just grins, though, and Noel can feel himself stop breathing. “Be a good boy now, Nixxy. Remember who you belong to.” 

Hearing the nickname nearly makes Noel vomit. 

His dad had told him from a young age to never give your name to a stranger, which is why he had introduced himself as Nixon his first time meeting Shyheim. It was an obvious lie, one only a fifteen year old was capable of screwing up, but it was ultimately unimportant. _No underground fighters used their real names anyways_, young Noel figured. He was so young then, so stupid. He looks at Shyheims aging face and sees nothing but cold stone.

Among the harsh fluorescents and burning eyes, Noel decides that maybe Drexler wasn’t so bad. 

* * *

Noel finds a seat between Shyheims other fighters, all of whom, though physically bigger than Noel, shrink in his presence. He can tell they’re all no older than twenty, finding traces of himself in their tattered clothes and dated Jordans. Noel would feel guilty, he really would, but he knows that’s not what these guys want. He remembers. 

The wind is stronger up there, the harsh breeze unrelenting. There’s not a single star in sight past the LA smog, and sirens can be heard from all four corners. Noel usually thinks heights are cool, beautiful even, but not tonight. Not here.

“You’d think they’d pick a better spot for these things.” Noel notes aloud, looking over the city, eye level with its tallest structures. The boys around him shrug, their eyes glued to their feet. 

“You’re up first, you know. I wouldn’t be so chatty.” One of them quips, a smirk on his face. 

“Whatever, dude. I got this.” Noel says simply, quietly, turning in his chair to face the makeshift ring. There’s stage lights on either side of the clearing, dozens gathered around it forming manmade barriers. Everyone’s chatting amongst themselves, passing money back and forth like a blunt. Noel scans the opposite side of the rooftop, trying to figure out which ones are possible opponents and which are just here for a show. _That guy_, he thinks, taking another shot straight from the bottle, _that guy should be easy. He’s top heavy. Got skinny legs, easy to knock over. Get him down once and I’m golden_. 

Noel’s smiling again. To anyone else he looks... almost inhuman, indefinitely intimidating. He looks over his shoulders and sees Shyheim talking to a man he doesn’t recognize. Noel assumes he’s the host by the way he’s dressed— a white button up half undone and Italian leather shoes. They’re laughing, heads thrown back, and Noel feels nauseous again. His eyes follow the man through the crowd, watches as he takes a girl on his arm and leads her center-spotlight. She’s grinning, pupils blown and hands unresting. 

“Nixon and Iceman.” The man booms, and Noel’s snickering. _Iceman? What kind of Mortal Kombat shit is that? Who does this fool think he is? _Noel jumps to his feet, taking a moment to find his nearly drunken balance. He tears his t-shirt off and throws it lazily behind him. He’s the first to step forward, blocking out the cheers from Shyheim and his stupid little gang. “Where you at, Iceboy?” Noel taunts, rubbing his hands together, and the crowd is laughing. _It’s not stand up, but it’s something._

“Oh, so you  _ready_ ready?” A voice calls, and Noel whips his head around. 

He’s much bigger than Noel expected. He’s not like the rest of them, Noel notes. His muscles aren’t evenly distributed— a sure sign that steroids weren’t in play. He’s at least 6’2, and he has the mass to match. Noel swallows.

“This is the dude you told me to look out for, Hos? Mans is two feet tall!” Iceman laughs, causing Noel to shake his head in response. _Cheap shot_. “I came here for a challenge, not to babysit.” He adds. Noel hates the way everyone is laughing with the other man now— it makes knuckles itch for contact. Noel cracks his neck and stays silent, eyes darting to who he can only assume is Hos, Icemans representative. Noel recognizes him but doesn’t know from where. The other man looks away quickly though, and Noel can tell it’s probably not a fond memory. 

“Alright then, boys. Lets see it.”

The host takes a step back, the lights dimming in an instant. The only sound to be heard was a car alarm and a few scattered wolf-whistles, and the steady sound of Noel’s pounding heart. Iceman takes a step forward, close enough for Noel to make out the tattoo beneath his eye. A small icicle posing as a teardrop. If this were a movie or a cartoon Noel might’ve laughed, but he could feel Icemans heat wash over his own body, hear his heavy footsteps on the gravel below, and finally decides he’s afraid. 

Iceman swings before Noel can feel his fear, the phantom fist pushing a breeze over the top of Noels head, who had dodged the punch a lot later than he could been proud of. Too close to count. He adjusts his stance, his feet spreading to mimic the broadness of his shoulders, his fists held tightly in front of his chest. He pictures a birds eye view of the rooftop and hates the way it looks like home. 

* * *

“I haven’t seen money flying like this since my wife was working at the strip club!” Shyheim grins, standing over Noel who was now sitting, hunched over, holding a bloodied washcloth to his forehead. “A few more hits and this dude is on the floor. Lights out.” 

“I dunno, man...” Noel says quietly, looking up at his rep with one eye swollen shut. Shyheim shakes his head and places a hand on his limp shoulder.

“All eyes on you, kid. Don’t disappoint.” He says flatly. Noel hates how rehearsed it all sounds but smiles anyway, straightening his back and pushing out his shoulders.

“Yeah, yeah. Of course. I gotchu.” Noel agrees, climbing to his feet. He’s dizzy and his knees wobble, but he’s not turning back. He knows himself too well.

He’s a perfectionist and has been for as long as he can remember. If you weren’t the best you were losing, and Noel was a sore fucking loser. He figures that’s why he hated working at Fullscreen; there was no competition, no reward. Noel couldn’t find the fun in being just like everyone else, no matter how hard he tried. He knew the people he grew up with would kill, quite literally, for a shot at normalcy. He wonders if they’d grow tired too.

“You done yet?” Iceman calls breathlessly, wiping the blood from his chin. Noel steps towards him again, getting too close for comfort, circling the much larger man. He can feel the life leaving his eyes, too grateful for the look of fear it ignites in his opponent to mourn it. 

“Not until I’m the one looking down at you.”


	3. the open wound.

Noel doesn’t remember how he got home. He’s standing in front of his door fumbling with his keychain, his t-shirt tied around his head. He’s holding his earnings in his hands, the blood on his palms since dry, his knuckles already beginning to bruise. His mouth is hung open dumbly, a thick mixture of blood and spit running down his chin. 

“Fuck you.” He hisses to himself, squinting his good eye down at the pile of keys in his hand. His vision is completely shot and his head is spinning, making it impossible to despiser between them.

“You stupid fucking—“

He hears a click from the other side of the door. _What the fuck? _

It swings open before Noel can question it any further. 

He definitely should’ve answered Cody’s texts, and definitely should’ve remembered to take back his spare key.

* * *

“What the fuck, what the fuck, what the  fuck.” 

“Are you gonna sit?”

“Are you gonna die?”

Noel snorts at that but immediately regrets it the second Cody’s eyes meet his. He’s the angriest Noel has ever seen him, pacing around his living room like a distressed mother.

“I need you to tell me what happened.” Cody demands, Noel shaking his head before he gets a chance to finish.

“Cody, man, look— I get that you’re worried or whatever, and that’s cool, really, but you’re really starting to stress me out.” Noel says calmly. He hates the look in Cody’s eyes. He knew Cody was a natural-born worrier, it was unavoidable and something Noel had grown used to, but it was never evoked by him. Not this intensely, any way. He remembers when Cody’s sister was hospitalized last month, remembers how he didn’t sleep for nearly a week and became a shadow of a person. Remembers when Kristen from HR overheard Cody cracking jokes at her expense, how he apologized every day for three months and has never stopped bringing her coffee. Noel recognizes that look, but knowing that he’s the reason behind it creates a strange sense of guilt. Something Noel hadn’t felt in a long, long time.

“Stress you out? You quit your job, you don’t answer my texts for weeks, you’re not here when I show up, and now you’re— I’m stressing _YOU_ out? You’ve got to be kidding me. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Cody rambles. 

Noel stands up, Cody instinctually reaching his arms out to catch him, but instead feels two firm hands on his shoulders. He looks frantically between them as if they were completely foreign, as if Noel wasn’t capable of holding him.

“Cody, look at me.” Noel instructs. Cody’s breathing hard and his eyes are frantic. He runs his fingers through his hair and closes his eyes. “Look at me.” He repeats, harsher this time. It takes every ounce of strength for Cody to listen.

“I’m alright, okay? See? Everything’s good. I’m good.” Noel assures him. Cody swallows thickly, nodding so tightly Noel swears he imagined it.

“We’re going to the bathroom.” 

“What?”

“Can you stop being a pussy and let me take care of you?” 

* * *

Noel’s in his boxers, sitting on the bathroom sink with Cody stood in front of him. Cody has a washcloth pressed to the other mans cheek, his tongue poking out the side of his mouth in complete concentration.

“I’m sure it’s fine.” Noel says tiredly, leaning his head back against the mirror and closing his eyes.

“And I’m sure I don’t trust you anymore.” Cody says with a smile, but Noel can tell that he means it. 

“You should see the other guy.” Noel jokes, and Cody can’t help but snort.

“So there’s another guy?” He questions after a moment, running the washcloth down Noels cheek and across his jaw, revealing all skin lost behind a veil of dried blood.

“What, would you believe me if you said I fell?” Noel teases. 

“You needed money.” The blonde muses, now pressing his palm against Noel’s sides. He winces at the pressure. “Sorry, making sure your ribs are set.” 

“It’s, ah, it’s cool.” Noel grits, attempting to shift away from his touch. “How’d you know?”

“You mean other than the stack of hundreds you were carrying?” Cody says with dry laughter, spreading his fingers over Noels ribcage. “Why do you insist on lying to me? I ask you if you’re good and you say you’re good, next thing I know you’re off the deep end. Kinda makes me feel like shit. Here I was, thinking we were friends...” Cody admits, pulling his hand away. For a second, only a second, Noel misses the contact.

“We are friends, man, it’s not like that. Our versions of ‘good’ are just... different. We’re different.” Noel attempts to explain, giving his best shrug despite his overworked shoulders. “I’m not off the deep end, I’m just... me.”

“Bullshit.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“I said bullshit, Noel.”

“I’m sorry, what’s bullshit?”

“You think you’re some damaged, mysterious bad boy, huh? Think it’s in your DNA or some shit?” Cody questions, incredulous. Noel hops down from the sink and stands in front of Cody, their chests nearly touching.

“No, I think that you’re sheltered and don’t know shit.” Noel presses, his voice louder than he intended. Cody’s face falls.

“Yeah, Noel, I am. I am sheltered. I’ve had a damn good life but I’ve dealt with some bad shit too, okay? You aren’t the only one with secrets.” Cody says quietly, and Noel swears he hears his voice crack.

“I find that very hard to believe.”

Noel wants to stop. He doesn’t want to fight with Cody— he’s certain Cody is the only person he _hasn’t_ wanted to fight with. He tried to bite his tongue but his words just fell out, dropping like knives into Cody’s chest. 

“I know you don’t give a shit about me. I know you don’t ‘get’ me. But Jesus, Noel, you don’t have to be so fucking heartless.” His voice definitely cracked. Noel lost track of how many times.

“Cody, look...”

“No. I’m done looking. I’m done looking for reasons to be your friend. I’m done looking out for you. I’m done looking for any sign you might actually give a shit about me. I’m tired of it.” 

Again, Noel’s never been one to feel guilty. He’s confident in everything he does, calculated in his words. Standing in front of Cody, he can’t remember any regret stronger than what he feels right now, seeing the uneven rise and fall of his best friends chest. He looks down to his feet, his eyes catching on the bloodied wash cloth in Codys hand. The washcloth that Cody had used to clean him up only moments ago without question, his touch feather light. 

He realizes the time next. It must be around 2am, and Cody will be on his way to work in four hours. He should be at home, asleep and peaceful, but instead he’s here— here with someone who hadn’t done a damn thing for him. Noel’s chest hurts, his eyes closing and breath catching in his throat. 

“Woah, Noel... are you okay?” Cody asks, panic in his voice, grabbing Noel’s arms. Noel laughs dryly at his empathy.

“Why are you still here?” He questions quietly.

“Because I was worried...” Cody checks his watch. “And because it’s your birthday.” 

Noel lifts his head to look at Cody, his eyes completely unreadable. 

“It is?” 

“Yeah, it is.” 

Noel is twenty-six when he kisses Cody for the first time.


	4. the morning.

“How’s that for a sign?”

Cody can’t breathe. Well, he could, physically he could, but he definitely doesn’t remember how. He’s stood in the middle of his best friends bathroom, his best friend who was apparently an amazing kisser, his mouth gaping.

“You catching flies, dude? You’re kind of, uh... Here.” Noel hooks his finger underneath Cody’s chin, the blonde completely freezing, and pushes his jaw shut. He’s smiling and Cody could very well be resisting the urge to slap him. 

“What the fuck was that?” Cody asks finally, taking a step back. 

Noel laughs, and yes, Cody absolutely wants to slap him. “It’s nothing, man. I don’t know.” He grins, completely dazed. 

“I’m sorry— nothing? Dude, you’ve never even hugged me and now you’re kissing me? On the mouth? Is this some kind of joke?” Cody pauses. “Did... did _they_ make you do this?” He adds in a whisper, his eyes wide, looking around the bathroom frantically. Noel’s laughing again, gripping his exposed stomach.

“Man, what the fuck? Who are you talking about?” He manages, completely dumbfounded.

“I don’t know, whatever weird gang you’re apparently in now.”

“Cody,” Noel begins, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’m not in a gang and it’s not a joke. I just... I don’t know. You’re sweet.” 

Cody blinks. “Yeah, and you hate it.”

“No, I don’t. What makes you—“

“You told me. Several times, actually. One of them being when I pushed you out of the way of literal moving traffic.”

“Cmon, I really don’t think—“

Cody contorts his face, mocking. “‘Why are you always so nice, man? Weird ass.’”

“Why do you remember that?”

“Because I care about what you think of me. A fuck ton.” Cody admits. The silence that follows is deafening and Cody wants to retreat through the floor. This is the most straight forward he’s ever been with Noel and he’s slowly starting to remember why. His best friend is completely unreadable to the point where it’s calculated, like he’s actively working on concealing any organic reactions. It drives Cody crazy. They drive each other crazy.

“Okay...” Noel begins, taking the other mans hand in his, “I _think_ I don’t deserve you. You’re nice. You’re respectful. You’re on time to things. You pay for dinner and you thank uber drivers. You’re everything that I’m not, you’re like nothing I’ve ever known, and it’s all new to me. That... that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I do care, and I...” He admits, his voice less certain than Cody has ever heard it. “I just wanted to thank you.”

Cody wants to cry, he really does. Behind his eyes are burning and he feels heat rising in his chest, and he’s about to, but a smile pushes its way through the waterworks. “You could’ve just, like, given me a card.”

“I wanted to fucking kiss you, okay?” Noel says with a huff of laughter, and the muscles in Codys cheeks burn.

Noel, just for a fleeting second, forgets about the money and open wounds.

* * *

“Was it a one time thing, or is this, like... who you are now?” 

They’re laying next to each other in Noels bed, staring at the ceiling with their arms both folded. The room was nearing total darkness, the only source of luminosity coming from lampposts outside of Noel’s apartment. They’re mirror images of each other physically, something that has always astounded Noel. He guesses they were bound to have at least _one_ thing in common. When Noel would laugh, hand placed over his abdomen, Cody would do the same. When Cody would pull at the loose threads of his torn jeans, Noel found himself just as antsy. When Noel would sip his coffee, testing, Cody would try his own without ever looking past himself. Their laughs could be confused in a crowd, their breathing often synchronized. A simple rise and fall of chests fascinated them as much as it scared them. Looking closely at the void above him, Cody notices how blue-toned pitch black can be.

Noel thinks hard about the question, not sure on how far he’s willing to go. He knows Cody wants the full truth, so with a sigh, he decides on meeting him half way. “I’ll do it when I need to, I guess. I don’t know. I don’t really want to say it’s who I am _now_...”

“Oh my god, you’ve done it before?” Cody questions, too loudly for Noel’s ringing ears. He doesn’t mean to be so... on ten, as Noel would describe it, but he can’t stop himself. In that regard, in many others, they were polar opposites. Everything about him was free, never hiding behind a veil of cold composure. He was all fire and twisted tongues, talking fast and sometimes with no purpose at all. Noel envied that more than he’d ever be willing to admit, not even in his bathroom, covered in new bruises and split skin.

“Started when I was fourteen.” He’s casual with his answers, too casual in comparison to the boy by his side. 

“Why? Was it like... fun, or something?”

Noel runs a hand over his face, wiping his irritation away.

“No, not at all. Not at first. Just needed some money.” He knows instantly that his answer won’t suffice, so he tries again before Cody can press on his own. “I tried working at McDonald’s and shit, you knew that, but it got in the way of school. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get out of that shithole without a degree, and I couldn’t get a degree if I was working all the time, you know? It’s a cycle, man. All my friends got wrapped up in it but I couldn’t do it, I just... couldn’t. But fighting, you see, that shit’s way late. One A.M earliest, and always on the weekend. Had plenty of time to study but was still able to put food on my mommas table. Plus, I was good. Really fucking good. The best.”

Noel can’t see him, but he can picture the frown on Cody’s face— clear as day. Only this time it doesn’t irritate him, no, not at all.

“Does it hurt?” Cody asks genuinely, his voice small, almost afraid. Noel puts his hand on the bed between them, finding that he’s not alone in the action. _Mirror images._ Noel laces their fingers, both sets of eyes never leaving the ceiling. 

“No, it doesn’t hurt.”

Under the pink glow of sunrise, he lies. 


	5. the alleyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; panic attack!!

Normal gyms... Normal gyms Noel could handle. They were ‘too much’, as he’d often described them, but at least they’d leave him with a good story. Like the time someone offered him a single raw egg from their pocket, or that guy that had fallen asleep in the middle of a set. Moments like those, though painful at the time, made going to places like Golds completely worth it. But the UFC Gym, upon standing there for the first time, Noel decided he couldn’t bring himself to tolerate.

Cody had convinced him (after many weeks of deliberation) that if he was going to continue to fight, the best thing would be to practice professionally. Noel would protest, insisting that he had won nearly every fight without a single second of formal training, and Cody would sigh and emphasize the word _nearly_ in a way that made Noel’s head spin. _Why the fuck do I care what this kid thinks?_ Noel would wonder, though by the way he’d look at his best friend when he was sure he wasn’t paying attention, he knew. Subconsciously, he always knew. 

“So, where to first? There’s some punching bags over there, those look cool. Give ‘em a little,” Cody punches the air twice mid sentence, “One two. You know, a little...” he let his fists finish his sentence. 

All Noel does is roll his eyes, tightening the velcro around the fists of his gloves. 

“Why the fuck am I even here, man?” Noel presses after a moment.

“Because you don’t want to get hurt, obviously. Gotta learn how to defend yourself.” Cody says distractedly, looking around the gym with a distracted gaze.

“No, because _you_ don’t want me to get hurt.” Noel says as if it’s the most obvious reminder. Cody scoffs.

“Please, I don’t—“

“Nah, you do. You totally care.” 

“Whatever, you’re the one that kissed me, so...” 

Noel bites back a smile and shakes his head, looking down to his feet. It’s been nearly two weeks, and he’s trying desperately to forget. Every time he tries to rid himself of the memory, though, he wonders why Cody hasn’t made a move since. He doesn’t care, he swears he doesn’t, _but why..._

“So, punching bags? Bust out a couple sets? What’s the move?” The blonde questions, loving the annoyance that sweeps across Noel’s face at his choice of words. 

“I’m trying to fight.” Noel says with a smile, bouncing on his feet with anticipation. He punches his left palm and looks over Cody, spotting an empty ring across the gym. The atmosphere feels oddly like a garage, Noel notices, all gray with intense fluorescents, the cement walls seeming to vibrate with every echo.

“Now’s my chance. It’s never this dead.” He says, unsure of whether or not it’s to himself. He pats Cody once on the shoulder before maneuvering around him, keeping a light jog all the way to the octagon. 

“You tryna fight, little man?” 

Noel recognizes him from the lobby, saw him chatting with the front desk worker, clearly proud they were on a first name basis. Noel’s trying to be less judgmental, he really is, but _man— this fool was annoying. _

“Yeah, man. What’s your name?” Noel says, fronting his best smile, attempting to mirror the guy in front of him.

“Lance.” He says with his chest, extending a hand out to Noel. Noel shakes it— all business.

“Noel.” He nods. “Alright, Lance. You wanna warm up any more or are you set?” He grins. 

“I’m good if you’re good, little man.” 

Without another word, Noel makes his way to the other side of the octagon and climbs through the ropes. He tucks his fingers beneath the hem of his shirt, ready to tear it away, before there’s a hand around his wrist. 

“That guy?” 

Cody’s standing behind him now, eyeing Lance from the other side of the ring. Noel laughs at his incredulous tone.

“Yes, that guy. Problem?” Noel questions amusedly.

“He’s just... Looks kinda big, doesn’t he?” 

“Nah. I’ve been against worse. This is foreplay.”

Cody rolls his eyes and releases Noel’s wrist, taking a step back with his arms now folded. 

Noel wants to be annoyed again, he really does, but there goes that fucking feeling in his stomach, the one that weighs an awful lot like guilt. He sighs before turning his head, giving Cody an assuring nod, their eyes locking. They never really had to talk to say anything, and Noel is eternally grateful for it. 

“You guys ready?” 

Noel’s head snaps back forward, a ref now standing in between him in Lance. Noel nearly questions where he came from but instead decides of ridding his shirt and tossing it to Cody. 

“Yeah, I’m good.” He announces, shaking out his hands.

“Same here.” 

_His voice is annoying as hell. _

“Alright then, boys. You know the rules. Lets go.” 

* * *

Noel’s eyebrow is bleeding, that much he knows. He gets lost in fights like these, ones that are formulaic and born from respect. His adrenaline takes over his muscles and his mind is too clear to hold reserve, swinging his fists, dodging and ducking like the most deadly dance. In his own world, over the loud rap playlist booming through the gym, Noel hears classical music. 

The two of them are circling each other, both sweating and breathing heavier than their lungs know how to manage. Noel can’t help but notice how different it is here, how Lances eyes look like there’s life behind them, how everyone is there for the same reason. No sides, no money, no death wishes. It gives him room to truly figure his body out, to learn techniques and perfect them with nothing real on the line. _Maybe Cody was right, maybe Cody... Where the fuck is Cody? _

Noel knows he just saw him, his back had only been turned for a few seconds. _He must’ve ran, and if he ran then something must’ve been wrong. Somethings wrong with Cody. Cody’s gone. Where is Cody?_

“Time!” Noel announces, waving his hands to create a fictitious barrier between him and Lance. “I’ll be... I gotta... Yeah.” 

He’s gone before he can bare questions.

* * *

Noel had only seen Cody cry once, and he remembers it as if it were always only moments ago. They were in the bathroom of some club and Cody had gotten a phone call about his flight back home being cancelled. That week in particular had been rough for him, Noel remembers. There were layoffs at work and his friends had been ignoring his calls. He remembers standing in the doorway, vision blurred from far too much to drink, watching Cody stare at his own reflection, tears staining his flushed cheeks. 

“Are you good?” Noel had slurred, and Cody did nothing but wipe his eyes and clear his throat before turning around and heading back to the bar, pushing past Noel and any comfort Cody was certain he couldn’t provide. 

That memory haunted Noel, followed him in his dreams and never failed to make him nauseous. Which is why Noel was certain that seeing Cody sat in the alleyway next to UFC, knees to his heaving chest and head in his hands, would be burned into his mind forever.

“Cody?” Noel calls. No response.

“What the fuck?” He whispers to himself, jogging over to Cody and sitting down beside him. He knew Cody got panic attacks, he’d mentioned them in passing several times before, but he had no real way to identify them— let alone help. He’d seen him upset before, and this... this was so much more. Seeing the sharp rise and fall of Codys shoulders with each shaky exhale, Noel makes a note to himself; _P__anic attacks. Fucking unmissable_. He’s still unsure on what to do, though, so he just... sits. Arm against arm, frozen in time.

“What’s going on? Did something happen back there?” Noel questions gently. A sob rips through Cody’s chest in response. 

“I have to run, I have to go... I have to—“ Cody’s rambling, voice muffled by his own palms. 

Noel’s face falls, instinctively throwing his arm over Cody’s shoulder and pulling the other boy to his chest. The blondes sobs are steady now, holding his cheek to Noel’s beating heart, Noels free hand now cupping his cheek. 

“You don’t have to go anywhere. You’re gonna stay right here with me.” Noel soothes authoritatively, running his thumb over the damp skin under his best friends eye. 

“You’re a liar.” Cody cries, his eyes squeezing shut, forcing more tears to fall from them.

“You’re not making sense, man...”

“I am! I am making sense. You said it doesn’t hurt but it does. I know it does. I _know_ it does. I don’t want you to hurt the way I hurt...” His voice is completely shaken, vulnerable and small and Noel never wants to let go of him.

“What do you mean you know, Cody? What aren’t you telling me?” Noel wonders aloud. He doesn’t recognize the softness in his own voice.

“I used to get into fights too, man, all the time... only I didn’t want them. I hated them. But the kids at school, they would... they _hated_ me, Noel. They hated me so much.” Cody says, nearly mirroring a whimper. “And it fucking hurt. Every time, every day, it fucking hurt.” 

Noel’s chest fucking aches. He can’t help but picture Cody, the man he looks up to most in this world, hunched over and bruising, begging for the pain to stop. It makes him want to vomit. His brain is racing with anger and love and all he can think to do is hold Cody tighter, his eyes squeezing shut, head falling back against cold brick. 

They’re quiet for longer than Noel can remember, the only sound being heard is Cody’s hiccups and deep breaths. It has to have been at least ten minutes before Cody sits up, removing his hands from his face and meeting Noel’s gaze for the first time since the ring. His face is puffy and red, his eyes glossy and cheeks soaked with hot tears. He looks absolutely broken, and Noel wants desperately to fix him. 

Noel licks his lips and unhooks his arm from behind Cody’s shoulders, bringing both of his hands to the other mans cheeks, holding his flushed face.

“Cody Ko, I promise you I’m okay. I promise you I will always be okay.” He says, finality to his voice and adoration in his gaze. “And I promise you that as long as I’m alive, which should be forever if that psychic reading was worth my money, I will never let anything happen to you. You are safe and you are cared for. And no one, absolutely fucking no one, hates you. Not even me.” 

A dumb, tired smile finds its way onto Cody’s face. “Especially not you, because you ki—“ 

Noel’s lips are on Cody’s before he can get his half-assed joke out, their mouths crashing together in the sweetest sort of pain. And maybe Noel wouldn’t be okay, maybe he was all gentle eyes and empty promises, but in that moment, he was so much more than okay. He was human. 


	6. the pregame.

_September 11th, 2016. Two days before Friday. _

Cody’s apartment has a smell. Not a bad one, not a good one, just one Noel could recognize if it were in a breeze somewhere, one that he expects before opening the door to his place. Noel is only thinking about the smell because the silence in Cody’s living room is deafening, Cody on the couch by his side, thighs touching, Colby seated on the one opposite to the both of them. Cody is picking at the loose threads of his jeans and Noel is staring at the ceiling, head tilted back and sighing every twenty-odd seconds to fill the quiet. They’re both pretending that Colby isn’t burning holes into them with his analyzing stare. 

Cody drums a little beat on his knees.

“So... What time is everybody getting here?” He questions, already knowing the answer... the answer that lies two hours from now. 

“What’s going on here?” Colby says, visibly blowing off the inquiry. 

“Sorry, what’s up?” Cody chirps dumbly in response, scratching at the back of his neck.

“With you two. Noel’s usually awkward, but this is next level. And _you_? Forget it. Totally fucking weird.” The blonde begins a matter-of-factly. “Did you guys fight or something? I told you you didn’t have to come. It’s just some dudes from the office and—“

“What do you do for work again?” Cody sidetracks. Stupidly, oh so stupidly. Noel elbows him for the pathetic attempt.

“Cody, bro.” 

“Nothing’s going on! I swear to God.” 

“Mhm...” 

Him and Noel let out a breath they didn’t know they were holding.

“You know,” Colby begins again and they groan, rolling their eyes, tired. “If I didn’t know any better I’d think you two were banging dicks.” 

Noel chokes.

“Woah, woah, woah. We are _not_ banging dicks.” Cody says defensively, placing a protective arm in front of Noel for no real reason in particular. 

“I didn’t say you were, I said—“

“And if we were?” Noel says suddenly, a smirk on his face and eyebrow raised. 

“I wouldn’t give a shit.” Colby says, incredulous.

“Are you two joking? What’s going on? I’m lost.” Cody intervenes. Suddenly they’re both laughing without him, him looking between them with that completely dumbfounded look on his puppy-dog face. Noel’s heart would melt if he didn’t find it so funny. Don’t get Cody wrong, he’s happy his friends are bonding, but it would be fuckin’ sick if it weren’t at his expense. 

“Dumbest smart guy I know, I’m telling you.” Colby sighs. Noel nods, laughing harder. 

“Can we have a sec?” Cody says, annoyed, raising a finger at Colby. He climbs quickly to his feet and looks down at the other man expectedly. “Noel? A word?” 

“Sure, whatever.”

* * *

“Are we going to talk about this?”

Cody’s pacing again. Noel’s sitting on the edge of the others bed, feigning boredom. It hasn’t been until these past few weeks that Noel has fully acknowledged how painfully different they are. Cody loves talking and stressing and being neurotic as all hell. Noel wouldn’t say he isn’t those things, per se— in fact, he’s convinced he is the most anxious man on Gods green earth, but he just doesn’t _roll that way_, as he would put it. His inner monologue is Cody’s body language, all frantic and impulsive. It’s what you see is what you get with Cody, he’s as readable as a picture book, which is why Noel can’t help but laugh at him circling the clearing in his bedroom. 

“It’s not fucking funny! I’m trying to talk to you!” Cody bites. Noel shuts up fast, face straightening instantly. He’s been trying to not upset Cody recently which is proving to be a lot harder than he had thought. He didn’t realize it was a routine until he had to break it. He felt like shit for that, too.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.” Noel is genuine in his apology, something that throws Cody off so much that he’s brought out of his own head enough to stand still.

“I just... I just don’t know what we’re doing. I’m looking at you differently now and my head is all fucked up and I— I’m all over the place, man. I hate this.” Cody takes a deep breath and sits down next to Noel, immediately feeling guilty for raising his voice. What a goddamn contrast.

“Why does it matter what we’re doing? I’m happy. You’re happy. Everything else is just... politics.” Noel shrugs, and Cody throws his head back in annoyance. “You are happy, aren’t you?” The vulnerability in his voice shocks the both of them.

“I am. Of course I am, dude. I feel closer to you and that’s dope, it really is. I just... I don’t know. I don’t like not knowing.” 

Noel truly doesn’t understand Cody’s communication skills; he can process his own feelings and speak on them confidently. It’s honestly incredible. Noel admires him so much it makes him sick, so cripplingly nauseous with adoration and respect, something he’s only ever felt for himself. The stupefying effect of Cody Kolodziejzyk is like having his clothes wet, he realizes. It was an even weight all over him, sloppy and dragged along with him everywhere he went, never letting him forget it was there. He doesn’t get it, and he’s certain he doesn’t deserve it, but he’d be damned if he didn’t try. 

“I know you don’t, baby. I know. I wish I could figure the whole world out for you.” Noel admits quietly, eyes glued to the floor.

“What did you just call me?” 

“Huh?” 

Cody smiles and he smiles wide, turning his head away from Noel in attempt to conceal his blush and dumb fucking grin.

“Nothing.” Cody shakes his head. “Never mind.”


	7. the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT! SMUT! SMUT! GIRL DEFINED DO NOT INTERACT!  
This was necessary for the plot and I know y’all wanted it so here we are. Enjoy.

‘Some dudes from the office’ was the understatement of the century. Cody’s apartment had never been so damn loud. Kendrick Lamar is playing from a speaker Cody definitely doesn’t remember having and the whole place smells like vodka. Noel’s not used to parties, that much is clear. He’s leaning against the kitchen island downing shots like they were an alternate form of breathing. Cody’s watching him from across the room, tuning out the pretty girl planted at his side drunkenly flirting. He watches the way the Svendka drops down his chin and wets his lips. He watches the way Noels shoulders square every time someone gets a little too close for comfort. Watches the way Noel dismisses conversation, feels pride in knowing he’s the only one who really gets to hear him talk. He watches, unwavering and heavy, so whipped and so fucking screwed. He nods in false interest to whatever conversation he’s apparently a part of. Noel doesn’t notice his stare until he opens his eyes from his alcohol-induced cringe, their gaze instantly locking. The room gets hotter and Noel can’t fucking breathe. The girl places a finger between Cody’s pecs, dragging it up a bit before turning her hand to splay her fingers across his chest. Noel’s throat practically closes, his face tinting impossibly scarlet. His head is spinning and his fists are clenched, white-knuckling the granite behind him. Their eyes are hooked on one another and a half-smile pulls on Cody’s lips, reaching his arm around the girls tiny waist and pulling her into him. He brushes a strand of hair behind her ear and leans in, whispering something completely unreadable to her. Noel’s knuckles crack, visibly seething and ready to lose his goddamn mind. 

He pulls another shot from the counter behind him and tosses it back before striding across the kitchen space, grabbing Cody’s wrist without a second thought. 

“Excuse me.” He says flatly, pulling Cody away. He doesn’t let go until they’re in bathroom. He doesn’t care that Colby is watching, and he certainly doesn’t care that the girl is still stood there, speechless and unnecessarily offended. He doesn’t care that Cody is confused and he doesn’t care that he was rude when he kicked one of Colby’s coworkers out of the bathroom. He doesn’t care that he’s drunk on a Wednesday night, because right now Cody is his. 

“What the fuck was that?” Noel questions lowly, placing a hand on Cody’s hip and pushing him against the door. 

“What was what?” Cody asks, shoving his smugness down his throat.

“You know what. You can’t just—“ Noel starts, and Cody places his hand on his chest, tilting his head oh-so-innocently. 

“What? I can’t flirt with cute girls?” Cody questions, testing.

“So you think she was cute?” Noel laughs bitterly. 

“I mean, yeah. Don’t you?” 

Noel pauses to think. 

“Nah. You...” Noel begins, dragging his eyes across Cody’s figure. “You are the only thing looking good to me right now.”

A lazy smile pulls across Cody’s face.

“Yeah?” He presses, still prideful and absolutely drunk.

“Fuck yeah.” 

They’ve never, ever kissed like this before. It’s sloppy and messy and Cody swears his lips are about to bleed. Noel’s tongue is unfamiliar and sweet, mapping out his mouth like he’ll never taste it again. Noel grabs at Cody’s hips and pulls them flush together, chests rising and falling quickly in time. 

Noel pulls back only slightly, their foreheads touching, both somewhat sweaty and not really caring. “I needed this.” Noel murmurs, breath hot against Cody’s already burning skin.

“Do tell.” Cody teases. The corner of Noel’s mouth cocks up, long fingers sliding under Cody’s shirt and over his freshly goosebump-ridden skin. The older man leans in to Cody’s ear, his grip on the blondes waist tightening— bruising. 

“Kissing you, man... it’s hot. You’re like nothing I’ve ever had.” He admits lowly, and Cody is weak at the knees. 

Noel had always imagined Cody to be responsive, correctly assuming it was in alliance with his lack of a filter and impulse control. But standing there, watching his breath hitch and hands tremble, Noel realized he wasn’t quite prepared to be proven right. He’d never been one to praise his partners, but God, if Cody wasn’t a sight to praise...

“We should get— we should get back.” Cody breathes, shuttering at Noels hot breath in his ear. Noel says nothing, instead ducks his head and presses a wet, open mouth kiss to Cody’s neck. The blonde gasps, fingers suddenly forming a fist around Noel’s black t-shirt. Noel bites back a smile, kissing down the vein with the slightest prod of tongue.

“Noel...” Cody fucking _whines_. Now _that_, that is a tone Noel has never heard before. It makes his stomach stir and jeans, admittedly, tighten. 

“Tell me if you want me to stop.” Noel murmurs, fingertips gliding over Cody’s ribcage. He’s kissing at Cody’s jaw now and Cody’s absolutely eating it up, head tilting and letting out these little breathy sounds that make Noel’s ego grow impossibly larger. 

Noel pushes his knee between Cody’s legs and ruts it upwards, the simple gesture pulling an unusually high-pitched groan from Cody’s chest.Noel can’t remember the last time he’s wanted somebody this badly, but Cody is, well, Cody; and it’s not that simple. With them it never is. He doesn’t know what he’s doing or where it’s going but he can’t bring himself to stop, taking the hand that was on Cody’s hip and bringing it to his hair, grabbing a fistful and tugging as he connects their mouths again. Cody’s a mess, cheeks flushed beat-red and body completely limp, letting Noel do whatever he wants without the slightest assertion. Noel could break every one of his bones and promise to never apologize and Cody would forgive him. He was, in all aspects of the word, a fucking fool for his best friend. Reckless and submissive, ready to fuck his life up for as long as Noel planned to stay in it. There was no room in his mind for worry, just _Noel, Noel, Noel._

Their kiss begins to slow down, tongues turning into a slow capture of lips, breathing heavy and uneven. Noel pulls away and presses his hips forward, his body saying all the things his brain couldn’t find sentences for.

“I’ve never...” Cody begins, a voice so soft Noel feels his heart skip a beat. 

“S’alright.” Noel assures, gravelly and sunken. “I’ll teach you.”

* * *

Cody has never been more grateful for the invention that is the lock, laying on his bed with Noel on top of him, hand gripping his jaw, making out like two horny teenagers that have never had alone time before. It’s embarrassing, really, but when Noels mouth is moving like that... he truly doesn’t give a shit. The older man traps Cody’s bottom lip between both of his and swipes his tongue over it. God, that damn tongue— so smooth, so sure in its motions, and so fucking hypnotic. That tongue that is now against Cody’s, tracing a little pattern before locking their lips again. Noel slides his hands underneath Cody’s shirt and pushes it up his stomach, Cody immediately bringing an arm down to cover it. Noel breaks their mouths apart and looks down between them, shaking his head with furrowed eyebrows. 

“Stop that.” He says dismissively, grabbing Cody’s hand and pinning it to the bed beside him. 

Cody’s cheeks are burning, his fingers, threaded in the others hair, trembling. 

Noel sinks backwards on his knees and begins to place heavy, slow kisses over Cody’s abdomen. He stiffens for a second, self-conscious as ever, before letting out a shaky breath. Noel pushes his shirt up further and leaves saliva in its wake, all the way up Cody’s chest until the fabric is beneath his neck, silently asking permission to remove it. Cody nods quickly.

“Look so good.” Noel praises, tossing the fistful of gray material haphazardly onto the floor. Looking down at the blonde, straddling his waist, Noel feels like he won the fucking lottery.

“I want... Can you?” Cody says, breathless. 

“Can I what now?”

“You’re such an asshole. Take your goddamn shirt off.” Cody demands, pushing his hips up to grind against Noel’s jean-clad ass. Noel smiles lazily but does as he’s told, pulling his shirt off in the one-handed way that Cody’s never quite understood.

Now Cody’s seen plenty of shirtless dudes. He was on the swim team his whole damn life and still went to the gym at least twice a week. He knows, in theory, what the male physique is supposed to look like. But Noel... Noel is otherworldly. Cody suddenly understands why he didn’t take his shirt off when they’d workout together— because nobody would be able to fucking concentrate. He’s all tan skin and tight muscles with an insane dip to his waist. He’s not the most jacked dude, no, but he’s fit. Cody can’t help but stare at him, can’t help but run his hands over his bare chest. 

“You good?” Noel teases, grabbing both of Cody’s wrists in his hands and pinning them above his head. 

“Yeah, I’m good.” Cody says lowly with a lazy smirk, looking over Noel’s slim figure. “I’m real fucking good.” 

Noel laughs. “Man, fuck off.”

“Alright, if you insist...” 

Noel rubs the front of their jeans together to put him in place, an act that paid off instantly. Cody moans, really moans, and Noel hears angels sing. Chasing the choir; he does it again, this time doing a little circle with his hips. Cody’s jaw clenches and he pushes a noise through his teeth, head tilting back ever so slightly.

“Look at me.” Noel demands, feather light.

Cody, of course, does as he’s told. His lips are bitten red and his cheeks are flushed, blonde hair sticking out every which way. He looks beautiful and Noel wants to eat him alive. So badly that he doesn’t think before reaching down to undo both of their jeans, searching Cody’s eyes for any sign of hesitation. When being presented with none, though, Noel lifts himself and uses both of his now free hands to push Cody’s jeans down his thighs. He glances down, a smile playing on his lips— he just knew Cody was a briefs kind of guy. Cody wants to ask about the sudden curve of lips but then Noel’s jeans are being pulled off and he can’t fucking breathe. Damn him and his skinny legs allowing such quick removal. Damn him and his boxers, because Cody had always assumed he wears boxers. 

“Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to stare?” Noel quips, eyebrow raised. 

“Please don’t bring my mom into this, dude. I’m trying to—“

“Trying to what?” Noel pulls his hips back then pushes them upward, slow, feeling Cody’s hard length against his own through the thin fabric. Noel’s gripping at his waist hard enough to leave bruises, Cody’s hands gripping at the sheets and pillows and really anything that will keep his grounded. His eyes flutter shut and he tries to meet Noel halfway, but all the other man does is pin him harder to the mattress. He rotates his hips again, and Cody can’t fucking think. Noel’s dick is warm through his boxers and Cody feels dirty— dirty in the best way possible. Fuck, he really is good at everything. Noel begins a slow rhythm, alternating between circling and suave thrusts, motions that have the blonde absolutely braindead. Noel can’t keep his eyes off of him— the way his mouth is hung open dumbly, eyes squeezing shut with every push of Noels hips, how unsteady his chest rises and falls. 

Cody can already feel the heat forming in his stomach, his cheeks shading impossibly darker. He bites at his bottom lip and tries, and fails, to seize his breath. It feels good, don’t get him wrong, but it’s Noel that’s sweating above him. Noel who’s making him feel this way. Noel whose dick is against his, grinding down in all the right ways. That’s all it takes for Cody’s hands to find Noel’s shoulder blades, gripping tightly with his nails.

“Mm’feels... Fuck.” Cody breathes. 

But Noel’s a perfectionist— he doesn’t want Cody to feel good, he wants Cody to feel other-fucking-worldly. He slows the rotation of his hips and leans in to Cody’s ear, breathing heavy and lips wet. “Can I touch you?” He asks quietly, and Cody’s nodding before he even gets to finish.

Without another word Noel spits lazily in his palm before sliding his hand between them, reaching down into Cody’s boxers. Cody’s breath catches and Noel can sense his nerves, much like always. He wraps his hand around Cody’s dick, ever so slowly, kissing at the area behind his ear. 

“Doing so good, Cody. Fuckin’ perfect.” Noel praises. Cody lets out the puff of air he was holding.  “There you go.” He encourages again, giving Cody’s dick a few pumps. Cody throws his head back and practically cries, shoving his hips into Noel’s teasing hands.

“Please, Noel... God, please.” He begs, and Noel can’t help but do what he’s told. He’s jacked off enough times to know what feels good, swiping his thumb over the head and twisting his hand with each stroke. Cody’s falling apart beneath him, fingernails scraping down Noel’s back and eyes dazed. Noel can’t help but wonder what it would be like to really fuck him. He decides to daydream aloud.

“Can’t wait to fuck you. Getting this wrecked over just my hand... You don’t even know half of what I could do to you.” Noel says lowly, his voice as deep as Cody had ever heard it. The blonde whimpers and fucks into Noel’s fist, his back arching off the mattress. 

“M’gonna...” He begins, but Noel is already shushing him.

“I know, baby. I got you.”

That’s all it takes for Cody to cum, letting out the most earth-shattering, porn-defeating moan Noel has ever heard. It’s whiny and loud and fucking ethereal, and Noel’s addicted. He jerks him right through his orgasm, hand slowing, watching every last drop of cum fall onto Cody’s pretty tummy. 

Cody’s panting now, head turned away, suddenly painfully embarrassed. Noel frowns.

“Hey, hey... Look at me.” Noel says softly, hooking his finger under Cody’s chin. He hesitantly does as he’s told, gaze never quite holding.

“You okay?” Noel questions, so sincerely, and a smile is pulling at Cody’s lips. 

Cody lets out a deep breath and runs his hands through his hair, now panting.  “I... Yeah. Wow. Yeah.” He grins lazily. “Did you want me to..?” He gestures down at Noels still-clothed crotch.

“Nah. I’m good. That was good.” Noel smiles, his arm finally giving out to lay by the other mans side. Making Cody happy was all that mattered in that moment— figuring they have the rest of their lives to even the score. 

Noel assumed he’d have to coax the other man into his arms and opens his mouth to do so, but Cody’s pulling his boxers up and flopping his entire body on to Noel’s chest before he gets the chance. 

“Alright then, you big baby.” Noel laughs, and he can feel Cody’s smile against his bare chest.

“Mind if I just chill here?” 

Noel sighs and places his hand on Cody’s back. “Go for it.”


	8. the friday rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gettin’ juicy.

_September 13th, the first hour of Friday. _

Noel tanks his first show back. Absolutely fucking tanks it. The only joke that landed was himself onto the floor when he fell off the stage at the end of his set. His ankle went to shit, swollen and inevitably broken. He can’t say he didn’t expect it, in fact he had told Cody not to come for that specific reason. But of course Cody was being Cody, insisting on the importance of _being there_ for one another, saying something nauseatingly positive about laughing even if no one else did. Noel didn’t buy a single word of it but of course gave in anyways, looking into Cody’s hopeful eyes and losing all sense of restraint. It was borderline infuriating, even more so in moments like these where he was right but doesn’t have the heart to say “I told you so”. But like he said, he expected to bomb, but he didn’t expect to wind up at a shady hospital waiting room in LA at 12:32 a.m.

“It could’ve been worse.” Cody muses.

Noel rolls his eyes and adjusts his position, the metal fold-out chair beneath him squeaking. “Oh yeah? How’s that?” He takes a lasting look around the room. There’s not a single patient on any of the rusting seats, only the receptionist behind a window playing solitaire at full volume. Even weirder than that though, Noel notes, he was wearing jeans. The only other sign of life was the water fountain in the corner— the water fountain that was running despite no one touching it.

“You could’ve, I dunno, died.”

“Honestly, man, I think that would be better than this shithole.” Noel mumbles bitterly.

“It’s not that bad. It’s just... Eccentric.”

“What the fuck is eccentric about exposed wire?” Noel laughs, gesturing up at the unidentifiable chords hanging from the tiled ceiling. “Talkin’ ‘bout _eccentric_... Boy, I just saw a cockroach eat a different cockroach.”

“Hey, man, that’s one less cockroach. C’mon, you can’t be mad at that.” Cody reasons, and Noel honestly can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not.

“How’re you so damn positive all the time?” Noel questions. He’s definitely asked before, but never genuinely. It always comes out as a side comment, something to voice his frustration. So Cody never answers, only looks down to his feet or changes the conversation in a desperate attempt to cheer Noel up. But this time Noel is listening, and Cody isn’t quite sure what to do.

“I don’t... I don’t know.” He pauses for a moment, tilting his head in thought. “Guess I just don’t see the point in being negative. It’s a waste of time.”

“How can you tell the difference between being negative and being realistic?”

“Why does it matter? Why not neither?”

Noel decidedly can’t argue with that. Instead he pulls his phone out from his pocket and starts taking pictures of the place. He’s about to make a comment on the poor lighting, but realizes quickly he doesn’t need to. Obviously the lighting fucking sucks— only three of the fluorescents are working. 

”And you say _I’m_ over dramatic.” Cody says pointedly.

”Ten bucks says they give me Xanax and a pat on the shoulder.” 

“Ten bucks says they’re normal people just trying to help the lower class with affordable health care.” Cody says as though personally offended. _Typical,_ Noel thinks, _always the devils advocate. _

“Bitch, I _am_ lower class and I’m telling you right now, I do not feel helped. I feel like I got aids.” Noel rolls his shoulders, feigning goosebumps.

They’re both quiet for a moment, listening only to the sound of Hot Cheetos being chewed and electric cards being dealt.

“You can’t feel aids.” Cody says quietly, defeated.

”Then I guess your jeans are thicker than mine.”

* * *

“The doctor will be right with you.” A young woman smiles a little too widely, grabbing Noel’s chart off the sink and bee lining towards the door. This room was just as shady as the last; weird water stains on the floor and ceiling, a shared waste and contaminants trashcan, and an electric scale rather than a physicians one. It smelled like bleach and everything was white, leaving them both with headaches and twisted stomachs. Noel waits for the door to click shut before he starts talking shit— something Cody has come to expect.

“Was that bitch high?” Noel laughs, and Cody can’t help but laugh along with him.

“What? Her? No, she’s not... No.” Cody says, his voice pitched up in the way that reads completely sarcastic.

”She put the thermometer _over_ my tongue.”

”This is an experimental hospital. They’re innovative in their craft— ever heard of it?” Cody jokes, smiling so wide that Noel forgets about the throbbing in his ankle. 

“This place is wack. I just wanna get my meds and get the fuck out of here.” Noel complains. He takes another glance around the room and notices a light flickering in the corner. He stares at it, dazed, distracting himself from the voice of reason in torn jeans by his side. 

“They’re gonna give you a boot, probably some crutches or something. You got fucked up pretty bad.”

The smile on Noels face immediately fades. “Wait, you think it’s broken?”

“I mean, yeah... Don’t you?” Cody wonders, completely lost.

“I thought it was just sprained or something. It can’t be broken, man... It can’t be.” Noel buries his face in his hands. Cody takes a seat next to him on the hospital bed and places a hand on his knee, worry filling his ever-so-empathetic eyes.

“Why does it matter? You can just take a few days to—“

“I can’t take a few days, man. I’m supposed to be fighting tonight. Gonna miss a whole months rent because of a fucking mic wire. Unbelievable.” Noel groans.

Cody shakes his head, bringing himself back to life. “You were gonna fight tonight?” He asks quietly, almost afraid.

“Well, yeah.”

“I just thought...”

“Thought what? Thought that I’d change? Thought that you finally fixed me?” Noel laughs bitterly. 

“No, I—“

“I love you, Cody, I do, but you gotta stop treating me like this.” 

“Treating you like what? Treating you like I love you too?”

The silence that falls on the room is paralyzing. The fluorescents are humming and Noel can hear his thoughts way too fucking clearly. He does love Cody, he knows after all these years that that much is true—figures Cody must love him too. But he’s not in the position to love or be loved. He’s not in any position at all; floating through time with nowhere to land, barely getting by and barely caring. _You just said you loved him, and even worse you meant it. Fucking idiot. Fucking moron. Fucking—_

“Let’s take a look at that ankle!” The door is open before either of them get a chance to think.

* * *

The drive back home is even worse than the drive there. Noel is the most miserable Cody has ever seen him, high on pain meds sitting in the passengers seat with his head on the window, staring out at city lights warped by the sudden rain. Tame Impala is playing on the radio and Cody, for some reason, wants to cry.

“Can you please talk to me?” Cody asks suddenly, voice pleading.

“I don’t have anything to say.” The other man mumbles. His tone is completely flat and it hangs heavy in the air.

“You always have something to say. C’mon, let’s hear it.” Cody pushes. He doesn’t notice he’s white-knuckling the steering wheel.

“I just find it funny.” Noel says slowly. Cody can hear the medication laced in his slurred words. “I find it funny that you and I got this thing.”

Cody’s eyebrows furrow angrily, stealing a quick glance at his best friend, who now had his eyes closed. “Oh, do you? Do you really?” He mocks coldly.

“Yeah, I do. ‘Cause you’re all smart and shit... Got this job... Happy all the time. Then I come along and I gotta make myself miserable because I don’t feel alive unless I’m dying. You get all spazzy about it and I have to act like I’m not scared. It’s a dope little system we got.” Noel leans back against the headrest and sighs.

“Like when you got addicted to ketamine last fall.” Cody quips.

“Like when I got addicted to ketamine last fall.” Noel agrees.

“Like when you pushed your diet too far and passed out at Sams twenty-third birthday party?”

“Like when I passed out at Sams birthday.”

“Like when you didn’t get out of bed for a week even though it was in the middle of August and you didn’t have A/C yet?”

“Like when I didn’t get out of bed.”

_Silence_.

“You notice a similarity between all of those?” Cody questions, clearly annoyed, eyes glued to the highway in front of them. 

Noel shrugs, turning his head to look at the blondes side profile. “What? That its all my dumb-ass fault?”

Cody rolls his eyes. “No, you fucking idiot. I’m always there! Always. I paid that dude two-grand to stop selling you K. I carried you to Sam’s kitchen and fed you cake even though you were pissed at me for it. I brought you a fan and got you to come to breakfast. I was there, man. I was there then and I’m here now. Now more than ever. Don’t throw a goddamn pity party in my car like nobody understands you, because I do. More than myself most of the time, honestly.”

Noel says nothing, instead rests his elbow on the center console and holds his hand out. Cody glances down at his open palm and sighs, taking a tired hand off the wheel to lock their fingers. Cody’s breath begins to even out again, Noel running his thumb over the top of Cody’s knuckles.

“I’m sorry... I’m sorry. I’ll tell Shyheim I can’t fight tomorrow, okay? I’ll ask to double down next time or something. I’ll figure this shit out.”

“And I’ll go with you.” Cody adds. The darkness of Noel’s parking garage absorbs them.

“Fuck no you won’t.” Noel laughs, incredulous.

“Yes, I will. We gotta be there for each other, remember?” Cody says, smiling at the annoyance on Noels face and putting the car in park. “Besides, you really think I’m gonna miss out on the chance to meet a dude named _Shyheim_?”

The thought of Cody in the same room as those guys makes Noel nauseous. He hates the way Shyheims name rolls off Cody’s tongue. He squeezes the other mans hand as if already protecting him from them— if not just from them, the whole world. It’s a bad fucking idea, his worst one yet, but Noel knows he won’t let it go and he’ll never, ever live it down. “Okay... Okay. Whatever you want. Yeah.” He nods, swallowing thickly.

“Alright then. Lets get you in bed.” Cody says with a smile, unbuckling his seatbelt and climbing out of the car.

“The suns about to rise, you know.”

“Then I’ll hang some blankets up over the window.”


	9. the risk.

They wake up at 6 p.m that day. Cody’s face is buried in a couch pillow that he’d brought to the bedroom because he “just needs to be elevated, okay?”. Noel is on his back, stiff as a board, careful not to do any more damage to his ankle than he already had. The room is pitch black now, the blankets over the window hiding any sign of street life. The A/C is on high and they both could sleep forever, only they can’t— because Noel is blinking awake and panic is setting in. He can’t breathe, his chest becoming heavy and completely void of lungs. He whips his head towards the alarm clock on his night stand and tries desperately to adjust his vision. 

“Cody, Cody get up.” He says frantically, swatting at Codys arm, eyes never leaving the time.

“Mm? Why? Time for a post nap fuck-sesh— wait, what time is it?” He says groggily, life springing into his voice upon the realization Noel had unfortunately already met. “How long does it take to get there?” He questions, sitting up almost instantly.

“An hour and a half.” Noel says, now subconsciously gripping at the blondes bicep. 

“And when does it... start, or whatever?” 

“Ten minutes ago.”

Codys trying not to panic, he really is, but they both know that’s not in his nature. He practically falls out of bed, sheet wrapped around his torso and trailing behind him with every step. Noel wants desperately to make some joke about how he’s wearing a skirt, how he probably wouldn’t mind Cody in a skirt, but he’s already crawling around the floor like a mad man before he can get a word out. 

“What are you doing?” Noel questions, pushing his anxiety down his throat.

“Your boot, dude. Where’s your boot? You need to—“

Noel holds it up and waves it around a little, a curious, amused half smile on his face. 

“Jesus Christ, okay.” Cody breathes, taking the cast from him and kneeling before Noel, who had since swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He’s doing the last strap when he’s brought back down to earth.

“Dude, please stop with the shaky hands and looking at me like my water just broke.” Noel says with a strained laughter.

“I’m sorry. I’m trying.” He admits quietly, glancing up at the other man with the most sincerity Noel had ever seen. That’s the thing about Cody— he was so honest. No secrets, no fronts, just somebody who had a whole lot to say and a whole lot of love to give. He was pure and transparent and Noel, in that moment, had never wanted anything more than to hold him in that freezing cold bedroom and never let the world take that away from him. 

Cody climbs to his feet and offers his hand out to his best friend. “What’ll it be? Gym shorts, gym shorts, or gym shorts?” He says with a smile, gesturing towards Noels dresser.

“God dammit, man. It’s too cold up there for that shit.” He groans in response.

“I’m sorry, what’s up?” Cody questions, lifting an eyebrow. Noel gives him the look right back, as if to say_ I have to fuckin’ clue what you’re talking about. _“You said up there? Up where? Up north? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure the weather is consistent until, like, Arizona.”

“Oh, did I not mention that?” Noel says coolly, peeling off his sweat-damp tee shirt. “Yeah. It’s on a roof.” Codys face is still twisted. “The fights... the fights are on the roof. We are going on a roof.”

Silence.

“Unless you don’t wanna come...?” Noel offers hopefully, but Cody just waves a hand at him and begins digging through one of his drawers. 

“Hope you like red.” 

* * *

This feels wrong. So unbelievably wrong, and Noel is going to puke. Cody and this street have no business being in the same memory. When he thinks of this area he thinks of bloody knuckles and the smell of money, children whose parents have failed them and those who feel they’ve failed their parents. It’s a dark place. It’s his. When he thinks of Cody he sees Christmas time. Hugs that last a little too long but a silence following that says _it’s fine_ and_ it will definitely happen again_. He sees long nights at the office, only the two of them, dreaming about their future and all the great things they might’ve done if they didn’t take this job. He sees light— one so bright he’d forget how consuming the absence of it can become. Cody doesn’t belong here. It’s all wrong. 

“So what, do we just... go up?” He asks quietly, bringing Noel back down to earth. 

“Yeah, c’mon, I’ll show you.” Noel replies easily, too easily, pushing open the red-painted door. Cody grabs his wrist. 

“Hey, I just wanted to say that... Uh.” He sighs and rolls his neck. “I didn’t want you to not quit because I didn’t believe in you. Noel, I know you can do anything you put your mind to. Literally anything, it’s insane. You’re a force— a goddamn talent machine, dude. I just... I guess I just worried that you’d leave me behind when you got to wherever you were going.” 

Noel can’t help but laugh at this. A look of hurt falls across Cody’s face, his cheeks tinting crimson. 

“Hey, no.” Noel coos, placing a finger underneath the blondes chin. “There’s nothing in this life I’m gonna do that doesn’t have room for you. I crash and burn, you burn too.” 

Cody rolls his eyes, ignoring the warmth spreading across his chest. “Let’s go then.” 

The venture to the twelfth floor is deafening. It’s so quiet Codys ears begin ringing, blocking out the sound of babies crying, shouting, tv static, and any other stimulus that hell apartment complex brings. Noel resents the noise. Cody might’ve forgotten where he was if the elevator ride went just a little longer, but he was faced with reality much sooner than relief would have him. He sees a single light at the top of a staircase the second the doors are open, and suddenly everything is far too clear. Noel rubs a thumb over the back of the other mans hand and nods at him. They were really doing this.

He sees the lights first again; the second Noel pushes the door open his eyes burn. Only this time they’re much brighter, bigger— LEDs struggling to travel through the smog. Everything is in slow motion, his hearing eventually catching up with him. There’s cheering and clapping and the unmistakable sound of fists against skin. Noel refuses to look at him. 

“What business do you have being this late?” Shyheim booms, stepping in front of the two of them. The light is gone.

“I was, uh... busy.” Noel says timidly, rubbing at the back of his neck.

“What? Picking up this cheerleader?” The man says with a smile, gesturing towards Cody. 

“Nah, nah. He’s got nothing to cheer for. I’m tapping out.” Noel states calmly, taking a protective step in front of his best friend.

“What do you mean ‘tapping out’?” Shyheim laughs, a deep one drawn from his stomach, shaking his head. “You cannot tap out, Nixxy. I promised these men a good fight.”

“Yeah, well, no can do. My ankles broken.” Noel shrugs. Cody is blown away by his simplicity, sensing the anger threatening to escape the man in front of them. Had he officially lost it? 

“Allow me to rephrase... If you don’t give me my fight tonight, you will have one of your very own. Only then, there will be no rules.” Noel rolls his eyes, deciding then how much he hates that stupid fucking accent. Shyheim grins. “At the risk of clarity— I will have you killed, Noel Miller. And it will not be quick.” 

“You’ll get a fight.”

They both turn to face Cody, his voice cutting through the air like glass.

“Cody, what the fuck are you doing?” Noel hisses. Shyheim pushes him out of the way.

“Interesting... Interesting indeed.” He beams, eyes scanning the blondes lean figure. “This could work.”

“The fuck it will!” Noel shouts, shoving at the much older mans shoulders. 

“Cody, you say?” Shyheim says slowly, pursing his lips. “Come with me.” 

Noel knows Cody is only doing this to protect him. He knows fighting in this state could be fatal, but Cody against these monsters, no matter his physical health, was no less deadly. He was supposed to be the strong one. How did things go so fucking wrong?

Cody pushes past Noel with coldness. What once was a cruel juxtaposition turned into the most foul ruins. Darkness swallows light. Cody turns to face him.

“Time to burn.”


End file.
